Friday, January 28, 2011

Inner dialog

As a writer, there are times I think words are a curse.  In my head I hear all sorts of commentary all day long.  My inner muse is always willing to critique my actions and my words.  Most of the time, this is balanced and reasonable. 

There are times though when I can’t seem to do or say anything right.  I see the way my words impact others.  I see how my attitude and mood impact others.  I try to keep all of these moderate.  Yes those who know me are laughing your asses off now because I am very passionate about many things and am not moderate in expressing these views. 

However, there are times when my inner dialog becomes cranky.  Nothing I do satisfies it.  I breathe wrong on those days.  It seems as if my filter against the negative has disappeared and I can’t think anything but negative thoughts.  These are hard days.  These are quiet days for me. 

My focus goes from life to the black hole of my own misery.  I know that sounds dramatic but when I get in these moods that is how it feels.  Most of the time I want to curl into myself and just pull the covers over my head.  Somehow I manage to drag my sorry butt out of these moods with a strong talking to.  I have been known to wallow.  A good wallow can really make you look at what you are wallowing about.  For me that is often the key – what is bothering me so much it is making me feel this way.

I don’t know about people who suffer from depression or seasonal light disorder but for me one of the best things I can do is write about it.  I write in my journal and I read the stuff that spills into there.  After spewing anything that is bothering me into there, I’ll look it over and have some realizations.  Like maybe I’m just being a brat or maybe I need to make a change in my life.  Sometimes my inner muse just needs a good kick in the ass too…

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Wayfarer Convictions

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